by Cheryl Van Allen
When Teal Divas posted their Facebook Question “I’m not just a survivor, I’m a ___________” I was hesitant to respond. All the other posts were ones of encouragement and strength. These women, these strong, resilient women, women like me who are now or in the past having to face down this beast of a disease, this silent killer, posted “I’m not just a survivor, I’m a thrived, a warrior, a woman of faith, an advocate.” And that is USUALLY the type of post I would make, too! It is in my nature to be “glass half full.” But I wrote what I was feeling in that moment. “I’m not just a survivor but I am a-fraid.”
My name is Cheryl Van Allen, and I’m a Warrior who has been battling Stage IIIC Ovarian Cancer for three years. I have high grade serous carcinoma, am platinum resistant and am about to start my 4th line of defense in 3 years.
During those three years and 3 lines of defense, I’ve had a massive debulking surgery, 2 allergic reactions to drugs that ended up with an epi-pen (or two!) and ER visits. I’ve had to have cataract surgery due to side effects, and had a full 6 treatments of a drug I’m allergic to via a process called desensitization, which meant being hospitalized for the infusions overnight. It has been a long, bumpy road with MANY MANY days and nights of fear, sadness, disbelief, devastation and sickness, plus all the other fun side effects like baldness and neuropathy, just to name a couple. There were days I never left my pj’s, just sat in a rocker and read, did NYT puzzles, watched comedy movies to make me laugh and texted with friends.
But those three years have also brought SO MUCH LOVE and some GREAT adventures. I was humbled by the support of friends, far and near, who cooked for us or sent us gift cards, who sent snail mail, text messages, gifts both wonderful and silly, and MUCH needed prayers for me, my husband and my now 25 year old son. My husband has been my absolute ROCK – taking me to all my treatments and appointments. I am BEYOND grateful for these people, and the amazing team who has kept me alive for these past 3 years!
My husband and I have traveled more than we had our whole lives in these past three years, some alone, some with family, some with friends – Key West, NYC, New Orleans, Ocean City, a two week trip of a lifetime to Italy and France, and most recently, Seattle. I even did my very FIRST solo trip to NYC, which was SO freeing and empowering!! We’ve had so many moments of sheer joy experiencing new places, cultures and meeting people along the way, as well as spending treasured moments with friends and family.
Normally, I write about joy, gratitude and encourage others to LIVE their lives to the fullest. But on the day Teal Divas posted that question in FB? I had just gotten bad news – my genetic testing came back with no matches to trials, my cancer was back and tumors were all growing (I can actually feel one, which is SO scary) and I was facing down a lessening number of options for treatment. It was starting to feel like the chapters in the book of my life were coming to a close. THAT was why in that moment, I chose to write:
“I’m not just a survivor – I’m a-fraid. Afraid that they will run out of treatments to keep me alive while we pray for a cure. Afraid of leaving my son and husband mother/wife-less. Afraid of not having more time. But fear won’t stop me…just makes me take time to process before I pivot.”
“I FIGHT so I can LIVE, for myself and my family and friends.”
I have since processed all this news and pivoted to “we have a plan, let’s kick the beast’s butt!” I am back to “I FIGHT so I can LIVE, for myself and my family and friends.” I am back to “I fight because this drug may be the one, or at LEAST the one that keeps me alive till they FIND or MAKE the one!” That is the person I am, 95% of the time.
But there is that other 5% – and I believe transparency is incredibly important. We shouldn’t have to fake it to make it, to put on a happy face all the time. People need to know how scary this is for us, that the emotional toll is as challenging as the physical. We are not always feeling like warriors. Sometimes, no matter how much people tell us we are not alone? We really are – inside our heads, with our scary thoughts, alone. No one can truly understand – except other survivors and warriors.
Thank you, Teal Diva, for giving us a place to encourage, a place to trumpet success, but also a place to be transparent, to feel seen, and for giving us the opportunity to support or be supported by other survivors and warriors.
