Teal Diva asked artisan and survivor Jennifer Utsch to share her story and some words of affirmation with our teal sisterhood. Hope this speaks some life to you and where you are right now.
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What I have to write about below shares more intimately how I'm actually processing life in real time. Writing as the Strawberry Full Moon shines sweetly upon us, many harbored emotions stir within me and my current chemo treatments are undoubtedly a catalyst to shake all of it to the surface. It is time to stop judging the scared little me that has always felt inadequate and not good enough. That scared little me would rather turn away and run. Writing at this point in my life, helps me find my focus in this healing process. It is now very clear (and rather pushy) to the grown me that I need to step into my confidence and lead my life that I am to lead. Knowing that I am whole, I am healed. I need to feel that and give my body time to accept and receive that. This is how we create our reality. Our thoughts that we make in our minds have purpose to create our future in the moment reality. This Sagittarius full moon has provided me the opportunity for me to step into my confidence and wellbeing. Sag is represented by the mythical centaur/archer lightening the sky aiming for the brightest star. This moon is both a RE-SET and a shedding.
I've been so angry and absorbed in my own hurt these past couple of weeks. This shift has been necessary. Diving deep into my wounds feels endless, and the ruminating calls out to the scared little me that I am losing. My hope sits perched on a landslide. I have trust and I live and learn by what I've created with my metal signs for 24 years; that we are the very potential to create our own desired destiny. I'm ready to look in front of myself, skies pointing downhill, and leave behind the horrendous memories of my past and come into the present. Stagnation, self judgement and self doubt is so incredibly frustrating and keeps me from truly living in the moment. I've created more pain from struggling with negative emotions, making it nearly impossible to feel desirable emotions. I've covered that up through filling up my plate with distractions and not allowing myself much needed nurturing. This cancer is here to teach me to slow down, let go of the past, and freely live my life.
Reset needs to happen because I am certain I have control of this disease progressing. My surgeon (Dec 2020) took pictures inside my abdominal cavity because she was convinced other doctors would not believe that only new tissue remained where the cancer had previously been. The entire left side of my omentum was caking from the destroyed cancer. This reminds me that I am not a victim, I am a survivor.
My Reset puts the past down that has haunted me until recently. My struggle with the past has trapped me into feeling insignificant and unworthy, constantly negotiating my value in this world. These feelings only serve to generate more of the same, making the present moment forever frustrating and disappointing. Focusing on the very moment with gratitude is what rescues me from under the landslide, drowning. Gratitude has the power to do all of the healing. When I focus on the gifts from all of you and your generosity...money, meals, transportation, house cleaning, and so many other things, I start feeling the glowing that gratitude gives to me. Cancer is giving me a proper shove to focus on my wellbeing and happiness. Thank you past, you gotta go. I chose to live in the present, grounded in the power of now, where once again everything magical will start to open.
My Reset is also a blessing to surround myself with people, animals, spaces and vibrations that contain beauty and wellbeing. No more walking into a smoking bar with dozens of drunk men (I know you know what I mean). And after 10 years of battling extreme heat, AC is installed and working incredibly well in the studio! I'm creating a comfortable space and quality living. No more suffering. From here forward I'm focused on my wellbeing.
Reset is also to not take things personally. I am responsible for my choices and blaming only points right back to me. And blaming myself for the cancer benefits nothing. It is not my concern what other people think of me. My genetically inherited BRCA+ Ovarian Cancer is not my own doing, but DNA passed down the family line from trauma. While I was dealt this genetic hand, I will step up to play my own heart-centered hand, full of creation and healing. I am very aware that treating my body negatively with addictions is self reprimanding. I'm focused on the prize. Me.
Through this physical and emotional roller coaster, I found once again my little girl...heart broken and hiding, feeling unworthy and voice silenced. The chemo has steeped alongside my emotions and I am now able to go back to my heart, past the wounds that have nauseated and disgusted me. In the last few days I've finally moved through these heavy emotions that I've concealed an entire lifetime. My voice is opening, and both lightness and strength have anchored in.
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Thank you so much Jen for sharing with us. If you'd like to follow Jen and her creative journey click the links below!
Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/jendala/
Website : https://jendala.com